Простыня, как водится.Есть такой маленький бзик у билингвов и прочих полиглотов, когда начинаешь путаться в языках. Я так сейчас мучаюсь с русским и английским, причем самое неудобное для окружающих - что на английском-то мне и говорить не с кем. Поддерживаю уровень чтением и просмотром фильмов с оригинальной дорожкой, и все равно ни одного разговора без приступа асфиксии афазии не происходит. Но помилуйте, мон шер, как это по-русски сказать?!
Надо с этим что-то делать, подумала я и пошла писать фанфик на английском. KMP.
Во Вселенной "Звездных Войн" есть сериал по Клоническим войнам, где еще юный и прекрасный, но уже не гормональная истеричка Анакин Скауйокер причиняет добро и справедливость в лучшем стиле джедая Кеноби. В то же время джедай Кеноби в эпизоде s04e15 Deception фабрикует собственное убийство, ни слова не говоря своим падавану с гранд-падаваном, дабы их честная реакция продала трюк, и отправляется на миссию под прикрытием.
И ох сколько копий сломано в фандоме об эти каменные лбы, то есть, я хотела сказать, в попытках решить, прав ли Оби-Ван, суровый и необходимый, или Анакин, у обид которого есть обиды. Лично я Анакина люблю только в те полторы минуты post Palych, а юного Анакина можно любить вообще только ради Хайдена Кристенсена, редко когда кто играет настолько убедительно, что их с персонажем путать начинают.
Один из популярных тропов "ложь Оби-Вана и использование Эмоций Анакина ТМ толкнули Анакина на Темную сторону Силы". "Анакин не виноват, это все бездушные джедаи, отпинаем Кеноби в отместку" иногда следует, к счастью, не всегда. Мне лично захотелось поиграть на тему "Если бы Оби-Ван был действительно слегка неправ, но это был тот самый кирпич на голову, заставивший Анакина остановиться и подумать".IN THE FINAL HOUR
Good is good in the final hour, in the deepest pit,
without hope, without witness, without reward.
"Doctor Who" s10e7 "Extremis"
Chapter 1. Casualties of the WarIt was long ago that Anakin made piece with the knowledge that he is to never become a true Jedi. And he didn't want to. Not when being a Jedi means being capable to let go, among other things. His greatest feat has always been an inability to abandon a hopeless task, be it a podrace to win, a slave chip to get rid of or a sentient being to let them be. It was a quality the Jedi frowned upon, calling it greediness and telling Anakin was flawed because of it. Telling him to scratch it out of himself and to learn, speaking basic, to lose.
As if they haven't been praising him as their little stubborn undying hero all along.
Nevermind that he was that hero exactly because of all his unworthiness as a Jedi. He refused to take many hits hard as they were and thus made it out for far more times than anyone else could hope. He refused to submit his people to seemingly unavoidable death, and - guess what, they were alive.
He didn't want to become a casualty of this war in the name of something even remotely as unhelpful as Jedi Code. He was meant to be better.
Right until the death came anyway, and he was meaningless, and there was nothing except to cling to every little piece helping to stay afloat. In the end, if only thing saving him turned out to be the very same Code he despiced and resented for years, then so be it. He could live with a nasty uncomfortable feeling of shame and self-deceiving. This way, at least, he would live a bit longer than it'd take to find a way to follow Obi-Wan into the Force.
читать дальшеFollowing, he told himself, is always an option. But Obi-Wan would undoubtedly find it quiet inappropriate to rush things in such selfish manner. Anakin had some business to attend to. Like, to win a war that got his brother killed. To see a girl under their tutelage becoming the best Jedi Knight ever. To be anything and everything Padmé will ask of him.
Only then will he take his leave to make Obi-Wan truly regret his stupid and frankly offensive decision to die on them like he has done. It will be one grand speech and Anakin will make sure Obi-Wan didn't miss a word nor an ounce of Anakin's feelings on the matter. He was not allowed to go ahead; he was not allowed to go at all. Still, he did, he died in Ahsoka's arms, and Anakin brought his corpse back to the Temple, and they were all looking at Anakin waiting for a great eulogy, and he was just empty.
There was not a word left in Anakin's mind to be uttered. Not a single sound to escape past his lips. It all faded along the song of Obi-Wan's Force-presence, gone in the night.
And so, silently he took the torch and let the flame catch Obi-Wan in it's last embrace. Was it seen rude or emotionless or else, he didn't care, for there was only the pyre and the fact that, while it wasn't Anakin's corpse slowly reducing to the ashes, he felt like this and nothing more.
* * *
Days were coming and ending, and his voice hasn't returned as of yet. That was okay; he didn't want to speak to anyone. Simmering flame deep inside his chest hasn't lessened, but he thougth it to be about normal when you just cremated other half of your soul. Besides, it was of no use to be worried for himself in the whirlwind of actions the galaxy has set it's course on.
Any other time Anakin would be livid, he knew it with painful clarity. He would have been seeking his revenge in a bout of 'righteous' anger. He would have been fuming over escaping of the murderer and quiet possibly slipping down the edge of the Fall. Any other time he'd be alarmingly unconcerned towards such terrible perspective, but not now. Now, he couldn't take all Obi-Wan has been caring for and throw it away. Anakin is his brother's living legacy, and it is an honour he will uphold.
For the first time in his life Anakin came to understand just how someone who pledged themself to other's values is not diminished by their choice. It may seemed a burden before, an unwanted pressure. But as Anakin was fighting Dooku while the Festival of the Lights shone all around them, he thought back to endless hours of Obi-Wan's teachings, his calm demeanor and exasperated attempts to handle Anakin's haughtiness. All of that was inflicted on him with unwavering trust, and knowing that led Anakin into feeling not burdened but cherished. Believed in.
Unfortunately, a duel with your blood enemy was the worst place for any revelation of such magnitude, especially when you couldn't call for help. Chancellor saved and Count Dooku fleeing, it was still a good day. No one dead or hurting badly enough, the Festival has come to it's end and they were free to regroupe for safe passage home. It was regrouping when things went into hell, 'cause there was just no chance to miss Rako Hardeen amidst their rank.
* * *
Next Anakin opened his eyes, he was laying in a small cabin of his and Ahsoka, and she was sitting on the edge of his bunk, not exactly meditating. And she was furious, enough for it to be a little painful.
"Hey," she said. "Sorry, I'm trying to reign it in."
That was still new, how fast Ahsoka used to catch on his silenced manners, and while Anakin still hurt from whatever caused him to black out, he gathered his amasement and gratefulness and used them to wrap Ahsoka in warm. Gradually, she relaxed, and seething rage evaporated from her presence. She seemed just sad.
"You alright?" she asked. "Kix said, you were exhausted and only need some proper rest and meal, but… I can go find him, if anything is not okay."
That, Anakin thought, kinda summed it up. Nothing was okay, Obi-Wan was killed and his murderer was Master Windu's guest of honour thanks to whatever. And Anakin, who still couldn't say a word for the life of his, fainted right in the middle of probably one-sided but nonetheless heated discussion of what should have been a preliminary debrief only to be dumped on his equally worn-out Padawan. He briefly wandered if that was Mace's way to provoke him into speaking again.
He lightly patted Ahsoka's hand and then forced himself up. He was doing favour to no one laying around. Maybe he wasn't understanding what Mace and the Council were thinking but he was going to trust them to do their job.
* * *
Obi-Wan was frowning openly, confined in a small cabin waiting for Mace to visit him and, hopefully, bring news on Anakin's behalf. It was some time already and all this stress wasn't helping. Obi-Wan was tired of uncertainty.
Bless his gentle heart, Mace didn't even blink when Obi-Wan very nearly tripped over himself upon his arrival.
"Skywalker is fine," he said simply. "His medic claims general exhaustion and malnourishment as reasons for him to collapse, and he is resting right now."
Obi-Wan nodded.
"And everything else?" he asked tersely. "You know Anakin usually not a quiet type."
Mace scoffed inelegantly. He indeed knew it very well, what with witnessing many of Anakin's infamous outbursts from a close distance. The pleasure of being his practically CO - who could guess.
"We are all worried," he answered. "According to Tano, he didn't said a word since your very demise. And he really was silent at the funeral. If he will continue to refuse talking then Vokara has already asked permission to relieve him of active duty, 'at least' she said. I do hope it is not necessary. The loss of him as a General would cost a lot… Otherwise," Mace now was talking contemplatively, as if the thought has been bothering him for quiet awhile, "he is adjusting surprisingly well. Not a single time he couldn't reign his temper, and his Force-presence is actually bearable. I am not sure what to expect of him. For any other Jedi I'd say, good riddance, but Skywalker has never been a good example of Jedi."
"He is a greate one, Master Windu," Obi-Wan said - nearly snapped. That was getting too close to a home, he thought.
But Mace only glanced at him calmly.
"Yes, he is. But greatness has it's flaws, and Anakin Skywalker has plenty."
Obi-Wan deflated in the face of his acceptance. Breathing, he rubbed his forehead.
"Sorry, Mace. Didn't mean to be rude."
"You are nervous," he observed.
"More than I would like to admit. Jedi Knight he may be, but Anakin is my friend and I care deeply for his wellbeing. I knew it would make a bit the ordeal, and that is something I thought Anakin to be able to pass through in style." He slowed in his pacing, considering the situation all over again. "Jabiim and Rattatack - that was a real disaster, but Anakin triumphed throughout it all. I am very proud of him."
"We had our reasons to Knight him, Obi-Wan," Mace said with a hint of dry humour. "His persistence at dealing with you being a magnet for life-threatening troubles of all sorts was only one of them."
Obi-Wan couldn't help but laughed at well-deserved quip.
He was in trouble, indeed.